if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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