dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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