i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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