I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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