I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
Randomize
