hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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