I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
