i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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