Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Randomize
