Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
