god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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