He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
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