you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
