i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize