im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
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