What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Randomize
