My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
