I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
