went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Randomize
