someone get that fucking seahorse.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
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