Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
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