Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
