the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
