apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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