i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
