The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
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