You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
