I accidentally had phone sex last night
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
You are the jesus of drinking
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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