I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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