What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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