Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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