I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
