If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
