I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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