I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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