What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I think I am morally bankrupt
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
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