genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
