just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
