david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
