I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
you had me at cake vodka
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
