why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
