He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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