ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Randomize
