I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
