I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
