Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
