she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
