I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
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