I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
