My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
