so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
