I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
