When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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