I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize