wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
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