last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
