I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
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