I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
