I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
