he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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