I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
